The first thing I read this morning, a wisdom from Thomas Merton, reminded me yet again that I cannot do anything on my own: that my own resources are inadequate and any plan I can make for my life will never compare to His.
"There is a paradox that lies in the very heart of the human existence. It must be apprehended before any lasting happiness is possible in the soul of a man. The paradox is this: man's nature, by itself, can do little or nothing to settle his most important problems. If we follow nothing but our natures, our own philosophies, our own level of ethics, we will end up in hell.
"This would be a depressing thought, if it were not purely abstract. Because in the concrete order of things God gave man a nature that was ordered to a supernatural life. He created man with a soul that was made not to bring itself to perfection in its own order, but to be perfected by Him in an order infinitely beyond the reach of human powers. We were never destined to lead purely natural lives, and therefore we were never destined in God's plan for a purely natural beatitude. Our nature, which is a free gift of God, was given to us to be perfected and enhanced by another free gift that is not due it.
"This free gift is 'sanctifying grace.' It perfects our nature with the gift of a life, an intellection, a love, a mode of existence infinitely above its own level. If a man were to arrive even at the abstract pinnacle of natural perfection, God's work would not even be half done: it would be only about to begin, for the real work is the work of grace and the infused virtues and the gifts of the Holy Ghost."
--Thomas Merton, The Seven Storey Mountain
God, thanks for not leaving me to my own devices.
"Still, Father, forgive them,
they don't understand," the Savior
sighs, as He lowers His head,
blinks rain from His eyes.
Hearing, I kneel in the quaking of
days: the words pour their healing
over souls
decades scathed.
While the sky beats its torment down onto
His frame, He instead soothes Forgiveness;
His gaze whispers my name.
Therefore, I blink blindness out of my humble sight
and when we plunge in the spear
He melts shadow into--Light.
(c)me. today.
3 comments:
Thank you for sharing this Kellie. It was good for me to read, and have some of my own conclusions reinforced again.
My last journal entry was on the the 6th of last month, it was rather short so I'll share it: "You f***ing addicted hypocrite! Change or kill yourself"
Not very pretty, nor very hopeful, but that's where I've been, that's were I was. Over break I had the opportunity to begin rebuilding a relationship with a friend of mine that had just come out of a rehab center for alcoholics and heavy drug abusers. It was great to see him clean and sober. Each night at 8:30 him and I would go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.. they were incredible. Imagine, 16 men broken by their vices, holding each other together on Christmas Eve, or at a different location the next night over close to 50 men and women gather to struggle and celebrate through the trials that each day brings.
AA has twelve steps to continually work though. I was struck by the authentic nature of all of them; the first three stood out in particular:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I realized as I attended these meetings with my buddy, that these steps could be used for any struggle in life that is greater than us, and sometimes life its self seem to be beyond control and comprehension.
As I opened my journal for the first time in over a month and read my last, blurry and frantic entry, things began to make sense to me.
I can't do life alone.
Well sure, I can try, I have all the potential to live a very successful life, and do quite well in this world. But, as Russell has reminded me numerous times, "Potential is nothing" At one the the AA meetings a man shared that "If you have a stomach full of beer and a head full of AA, you'll be the most miserable person alive"
That stuck with me, I played around with it and wondered if it would work like this: If you have a life full of sin and a head full of God, you'll be the most miserable person alive.
I've done some pretty dumb things, I know the miserable feeling that these men spoke about, and it has nothing to do with being drunk.
There was one frightening story that one of the men shared about a man that he looked up to because he had been sober for 7 years, it was frightening because the sober man of 7 years got drunk one night, the man that was sharing asked him why he drank, or what pushed him to that point, his response, "I just wanted 15 minuets of peace and quite, and... that's about all I got" the man never did return to being sober, and a few years later alcohol led him to his death.
I was stuck, not by the fact that he drank, nor that he died, but rather his reason. I realized that he must of been fighting himself, fighting his own desires, fighting the voice in his head. It's hard, in fact it's almost like torture to fight against oneself, and so it is actually commendable that he was able to hold out for so long. In the end he died, he failed, and I think he failed because he did not surrender to God. It's a sobering thought to realize that I, that we, that humans CAN NOT overcome sin, we can not live a full real life on our own. As Thomas Merton put it "we will end up in hell" and by golly! it's true. I can not change. I, as myself, in my nature, can not win the battles that constantly threaten to pull me under.
I need God.
It was really neat to be able to work some of this through in my head and on paper, and then to read what you had posted today. Thank you.
Now the even harder part comes, the part where I need to let go of my pride, and surrender to God. I keep holding my head high, and my heart is taking the beating. I need to let God hold me.
sorry that's so long
Eric,
Thank you so much for what you wrote; I don't care if it was long, I could read things like this for days.
Every day, at various points in the day, I pick a batch of readers to pray for and you've been in my afternoon prayers for a week or so, now. So to hear these words from you brings joy to my heart.
Keep fighting for the release, Eric. God's got this. Whether we're addicted to substances--like your friends--or to ourselves.
All my love, my Brother.
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