I am missing that sense of belonging.
The feeling of complete peace in the pit of your stomach when your foot crosses the threshold of permanence into Home.
When will I cease to be "guest" and begin to be "member"? To be part of the core of a household, where the decorations on the walls are my creations, where the frames are littered with my friends and family, where the phone rings and I know it could only be for me, because this is My Home.
As much as I love the adventure of Limbo--the loitering in-between, belonging everywhere and nowhere--my chest aches for solidarity. Right now, each place is just a rest-stop. I temporarily occupied a few rooms on a college campus for years while I got a degree; I pause in the basement of a relative's cabin and write into the night; I visit the trees and walk around a path that circles a familiar lake, knowing I'd better do it everyday because there will be a time when I can't. Soon I'll go home and borrow a room in my parent's house until I pack up my world again in a suitcase and traipse to the next adventure. June sees me immersed in Ireland; July catapults me into the possible grad-school future, riddled with apartment rentals where you can't paint your own walls and have to share spaces with people who have no history in my life.
My faith and God are the only permanent features in this whirlwind; In a whispered instant, His Peace overwhelms me and I am transformed from the flailing fool into the grounded believer.
You cannot know the plans I have for you, he soothes. You cannot even begin to fathom.
Still, I long for the tangible, predictable presence of belonging: beneath my feet as I tread, or beneath my head as it rests on a shoulder, or before my eyes as they gaze over a familiar, reliable landscape.
For now, the only commitment I make is a life of service to the Creator; the only library I own is His Word; the only home I have is His arms.
I pray for you all, my readers. Every morning. Even if I don't know you all by name. Please let me know how I can be specific in addressing your needs.
5 comments:
I don't believe we've met each other, but I do peruse your blog upon occasion, and I'm a friend of Zak's (not to mention a Westmont grad). This entry echoed many of my own sentiments...since I'm out of college as well, trying to find a job, trying to figure out what the future holds and what God's plan is. But yes, God is the one constant...and His presence is the very thing that brings peace despite the whirlwind of post-college life. As humans, I think we long for the tangible...but very few things are in this life. Change isn't easy for me, nor for a lot of people...but I do feel that God uses even times of "limbo" where nothing seems to be happening to mold and shape our character for the calling He has waiting for us.
Heh, welcome to life after Westmont. (do I sound bitter? maybe I am...)
Hey! I'm going to be in Ireland in June too! Are you going to Rostrevor like everyone else? I'll be at Corrymeela.
Johnathan: Oh, good, now that we're not pretending anymore--confession: I stalk your blog, too :) Aren't you from Santa Clarita? I grew up in Canyon Country and my family still lives there :) Thank you for your words--I can't tell you how encouraging they are to me.
Lynns: YES, IRELAND!!! Who all's going to Rostrevor? I'm going to be all over but I have no plans as of yet to go to the north; I fly into Dublin and am taking three or four weeks traversing across the country with one suitcase, a friend, my cousin, whatever cash we can stuff in our pockets, and our desire for adventure.
Isn't Corrymeela in Belfast? Maybe we'll re-orient the end of our tour of the country and swing by to see ya :)
Yeah, I'm in Castaic. I actually know Bobby Albanese through the Cornerstone Church home group that I attended for a while. Interesting how small the world can be...:o)
And you're welcome...now we can openly stalk each other's blogs, ha!
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